Well hello!

It sure has been a while since I’ve posted anything here. I guess I sort of ran out of things to say, which anyone who knows me probably wouldn’t believe ;)

I’m not really sure at this point if anyone still reads this, but I thought I’d check in and hopefully get back into the swing of things. So, what’s new in my world? Well a lot actually! I’ve of course been dealing with the good old health issues as per usual, but other than the MS side of things, my life is going pretty darn well. I’m in the process of moving, which I’m sure nobody enjoys doing, but I’m excited because I’ve found a lovely place that I’ll be sharing with my lovely boyfriend! We’ve also planned a trip to Jamaica late November, so stay tuned for a travelling MSer post, Jamaica edition! 

I’m also still volunteering, with the online forum www.shift.ms, and with the MS Society here in Canada. I’m currently lending a hand here and there with an upcoming conference they’re hosting for young adults living with, or affected by MS. I’m even going to be speaking on a panel discussion at it, so that’s pretty exciting! It’s going to be held in southern Ontario, so if by any chance someone out there reads this and is interested, or might know someone who is, just visit http://mssociety.ca/youngadultforum

So life is going pretty well in spite of all of the tough stuff, and it feels pretty good to be able to say that! It was recently my 3 year MSaversary (as I like to call it) and looking back to when this all started, I don’t think I really thought I would have a lot of the things that have come since then. I don’t think I truly believed I would find happiness, and was just grieving the things I lost instead of having hope for what I might gain. I’m pretty thankful for all the good that has come since then, and how I continue to get through it. 

So that’s all from me for now, but I’ll be back!

M

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Sleeeeep..zZz

It’s been a but since I’ve written anything here. Things have been going okay since my last post though, not much to report, other than my frustrations around sleep! Which aren’t exactly new, just..different?  Maybe not the most exciting thing to write about, but it can be helpful to get it all out, so here I go!

I have a lot of fatigue during the day, and I’ve always had sleep issues as well. I started seeing a sleep specialist, who has put me on a strict “sleep regime” which includes only being in my bed for a total of 7 hours, wether I sleep enough or not. I also have to stop doing anything like watching TV or playing on my phone in bed, so I’ve been avoiding my bedroom entirely the last couple of days, which can be a bit hard to do in this tiny apartment of mine, but that’s okay.  I do try and get out as much as I can, but feeling this way is making that kinda difficult. The point of all of these new rules is to make me sleep more deeply when I do get to bed. So far it seems to just be making me more exhausted, but I haven’t been doing this for long, only a couple of days. I’m not sure if my body will adjust to it and let me sleep and function a bit better during the day, but I hope so!

He has me doing a few other things as well, like taking tryptophan at night, which is the same amino acid found in turkey that makes everyone sleepy at thanksgiving! Sounds delicious, but really it’s just a couple of horse pills that I have to get down half an hour before bed. I’m hoping that after a few days of this I’ll start to sleep better, and feel some improvement. Even feeling slightly rested when I wake up would be a huge relief! It’s such a crappy feeling to wake up every day feeling like you haven’t slept, and could just lay there forever. I’ve gotten good at ignoring a lot of my symptoms to try and get on with the day, but feeling so wiped out is a bit of a hard one to ignore. Lack of good sleep on top of MS fatigue makes Melissa a..tired girl.

So just thought I would share a bit of my sleep journey… is it a journey? Maybe more of a sleep walk… I’m not sure, I’m too tired ;)

M

World MS day

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Today is World MS Day. This year, we are asked to share what makes us “stronger than MS”. For me, what makes me feel strong are the people that support me through it everyday. First and foremost, my family, who I would never have gotten through the past few years without. Supporting me through every hospital visit, every doctors appointment, and every bad day. My friends, the ones that stuck around and continued to remember that I am still the person I always was, even though I may do things a bit differently now. Also the new friends that I’ve met because of my MS, who I am so very thankful for. My boyfriend, who makes me feel like it’s okay when I’m not up to doing something we had planned on, and understands no matter what, reminding me that it’s not my fault. These people all make it so I feel like I can get through it even when I’m at my worst, and remind me that I have to fight, even when I feel like I can’t.

For them, I try every day to be #StrongerThanMS

M

Really, universe? 

I’m feeling a bit mad at the universe today. It’s starting to feel like it has it out for me!

I’ve just sort of been dealing with a lot of crap these days. The usual MS stuff,  this weird foggy/dazed feeling head that I’ve had forever, as well as a really messed up back which has left me in a bunch of pain most of the time. I’ve been trying my best to do as much as I can still, and today I felt like I would be somewhat productive and get myself to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription, get some lunch, things like that. I was thinking I was doing pretty well in spite of already feeling sore, just walking along on the side walk, taking in the (sometimes strange) sites of downtown Toronto, when a guy on his bike slammed into me out of no where. Well he was coming from somewhere, but I definitely didn’t notice until I heard him starting to yell, moments before he hit me. He smashed into me, ran over my foot and knocked me to the ground. I immediately started to cry as it was already painful, falling on my butt/tailbone that has already been bothering me for weeks now. So there I was, on the ground, and the first thing I thought about was how I wished I had my foldable cane out (it was in my bag) to hit him back with! A couple of girls who were near by came to my side and started asking if I needed an ambulance, which I did not, and a man helped me to my feet, which I was struggling to do on my own. It all happened really fast, and I was in shock. I went to sit on a near by stoop and the guy who hit me apologized and continued on, into the near by building after I said through tears that I was okay, and told him off for being on the sidewalk (which is not allowed in Toronto!). I didn’t know what else to do. The guy who helped me up said I should have called the police, and had him arrested, or try to sue him or something, but to be honest, he looked like life had not been kind to him, missing teeth, dirty clothes, heading into the financial aid office, and I just didn’t see a point. Nothing was broken, I was just shaken up and really sore, everywhere, from the whole ordeal, and wanted to go home. Once I got home, the extent of how much pain I was in started to set in, and now I think that I will be doing a lot more laying down on heating pads the next couple of days.

Now I know saying the universe has it out for me sounds a bit dramatic, I know that sometimes shit happens to everyone. It’s just in time like these I just want to yell at the world and say how it’s not fair to keep piling on! It would be nice to be cut a little slack.

M

Checking in

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here. Sorry! I guess I’ve been a bit preoccupied with other things. Mostly just not feeling well, and trying to figure it out. Ended up going back on a 5 day course of steroids a few weeks ago, which is never enjoyable, but I thankfully didn’t have too severe of side effects this time. So here I am now, just trying again to move forward and deal with other issues, like the back problems I’ve started having again on top of everything else. It can all feel overwhelming some times, but I’m trying my best to focus on other things. 

One example of other things, this weekend is the MS walk, happening across Canada! I’ll be going to the one in my hometown, just outside of Toronto, with some of my family, which is really cool. We’re going to volunteer and help out with whatever they need us to. I will most likely be at table handing out reading material or something like that.  This will be my first time attending the event, and I’m looking forward to seeing all of the people that are there to support the fight. It’ll be great to see some recognition and support for MS, which can sometimes feel like there is a lack of. 

So just trying again to stay positive, which some days is harder to do than others, but all I can do is try!

One day at a time 

M

MyStory 

  

Back in the summer, I helped put together the filming of a great video project with the MS Society of Canada, aimed to reach out to young people with, and affected by MS. We shot these at my old film school with the help of some great volunteers, and I was really happy to be a part of it. I was able to do a few of the interviews, and was even on camera a little bit myself, which is not my usual area of expertise! 

The campaign finally launched today, and I’m so proud to be able share it with you all! One of the first videos being featured is the story of Billy Talent drummer Aaron Solowoniuk (https://youtube.com/watch?feature=youtu.be&v=zG3CKDhlDLs) but there are many more to come, and all being hosted on a great site that my very own brother kindly volunteered his time to create (http://mystory.someonelikeme.ca)

Please check it out, and share with anyone you think may benefit from it!

M

Just as confusing as ever!

Kinda in a weird place with my MS right now. Really thought I was relapsing, when I had a sudden onset of worsening symptoms, especially since I haven’t been on meds for about a month and a half now. I just felt off, all of my regular symptoms are just way worse than normal for me. I’ve been having trouble walking again, severe fatigue, spasms, etc. Not fun! But, I’ve also been dealing with a mild infection,  I was sorta hoping that was just exacerbating things, but I’ve also had worse infections and not felt nearly this bad from them, so who knows. I’m trying to remember that with MS it’s always different, but doctors confusing me more doesn’t really help things. My family doctor swears this type of infection wouldn’t cause trouble with my MS, and my MS clinic says that maybe it would. They won’t treat me for a flare (if that’s what it is) while I have an infection, which is fine, because I hate steroids enough and wouldn’t want to make their side effects any worse, but it would also be nice if they would take me seriously and not just brush it off. Almost done the antibiotics now and things don’t really seem to be getting better, but I’m trying to not worry and just see what happens (which I’m not great at) because only time will tell. 2 and a half years in and this disease is just as confusing as ever!

It’s hard feeling awful and not knowing what’s going on. It makes me feel helpless, which is never easy, and I know that the people in my life must feel that way too.. helpless. Which I wish wasn’t the case.  There’s not much anyone can do right now, so…I wait. Feeling kind of stuck in limbo as they say, but trying not to let it get me down. 

On the bright side, I finally start on my new MS meds on Monday, tecfidera, and while I know it isn’t going to magic mike (ha!) things away, I have hope that eventually I’ll start to notice something positive from it! But for now, I just wait for all of this to pass. Wait and watch a lot of bad TV ;)

Tick toc silly symptoms!

M

Sarasota!

Hello from sunny Sarasota! I’m here on a little vacation with my family, and it’s lovely here. Definitely nice to get away from the cold, rainy Toronto weather! My sister and I got here yesterday afternoon, after a very early morning, and very little sleep (which my body does not enjoy to say the least) but we made it, with some wheelchair assistance to help me get through the airports, I’m just not good with long lines and all that airport walking, so I always ask for the wheelchair ahead of time when I travel now. After we arrived, we met up with the parents, who have already been here for a few days, and here we are, ready to soak it up!

I’ve never been to this part of Florida before so I didn’t really know what to expect, but so far so good! We’re staying in a condo in an area called Siesta Key, and some of our family friends are staying in the same building. Last night we had a build your own pizza night, and even though I had to excuse myself a bit early to head to bed after the long day, it was nice! Today we’ve been spending the day on the beach, which I was a bit worried about, but there’s a little shaded area and a nice breeze so I’m not getting overheated. This seems to be the right time of year for me to be here!

Tonight we’re going to check out the local drum circle on the main beach, apparently hundreds of people show up and dance and drum away! Then  tomorrow we’re off for massages, and more relaxtion, which is never a bad thing. And neither are views like this

Now that, I could get used to.

M

 

Fatigue

Fatigue is a symptom that a lot of people with MS struggle with at some point. For me it seems to vary. Sometimes it’s worse, sometimes it’s not as bad. Right now, it’s worse. This is one of those symptoms that people have trouble understanding. Fatigue is not the same as feeling sleepy. Fatigue is much more than just something a quick nap will cure. For me, it’s like my mind is half asleep and doesn’t want to work properly, and my body is off hibernating somewhere. It’s hard, and it’s frustrating, and it can leave me an emotional mess at times. There are medications that doctors prescribe for this, but none have helped me yet, and it’s a bit of a guessing game if any will.

I have, for as long as I can remember, had issues with sleep. I’ve always had a hard time falling, and staying asleep, which really doesn’t help my fatigue situation. I never really feel rested when I wake up, but sometimes it’s even worse and I wake up feeling like I haven’t slept in days. Now I don’t know if you have ever actually gone a couple of days without sleeping, but try to imagine what you would feel like if you did. You would probably be pretty grumpy, wouldn’t you? Pretty groggy? Well I feel like that, but my body also just feels heavy, slow and sore, and my head is a foggy mess. It’s like I’m walking through the day in a haze.  Sometimes I have to make myself get out of bed in the morning, though all I want to do is curl up in a ball and sleep the day away. Having sleep issues seperate from this has been making this desire to keep sleeping impossible however, my body has been deciding that it’s time to wake up, even though I’m still exhausted, and not allowing me to get back to sleep. Right now I’ve been laying in bed for the last 2+ hours trying to get back to sleep. Can’t sleep. Can’t get up. So here I am writing this. (And hopefully it makes some sense!)

Anyways, I think I just wanted to write this to explain it as best as I could. It’s hard when no one understands what I mean, or asks me why im so tired, or try to say that they feel that way too. You don’t. It’s different. Thanks for trying to relate, but it’s different. Sometimes people with MS, or other chronic illnesses, just need a little understanding, and to be cut a little slack in this department. Sometimes we might have to cancel plans, or try to get through them anyways but aren’t completely there. Every day is different. It bugs me when people say things like “well you were fine the other day!”. What difference does that make? Yesterday I was tired, and went through with my plans for they day anyways, tried my best to get through it, and today I’m exhausted.  Just writing this is taking everything I have. Every day is different, and unpredictable. Today is t great, but hopefully tomorrow will be better. 

One day at a time. 

M

 

 

Another year older

Yesterday was my 27th birthday. It feels strange to say, not because I think 27 is particularly old, but it just sounds more grown up than I feel. I’ve come to realize that this might just be how it is for everyone now. I’m not sure if anyone ever really feels like an adult, I think we all just try our best to make adult-like decisions… Really we just live in a world full of big babies trying their best to make it work!

I spent a lot of my 26th year of life down in the dumps so to speak. I spent a lot of time worrying about the future, and hoping for some kind of big guesture by the universe to show me the right path in life. That never came, and I think now I see I have to find this for myself. Sometimes I  struggle a bit with staying motivated, but this year I want to try my best to keep moving forward, in spite of all the hard things life has thrown at me. I never want to let this MS beat me! By this time next year, I want to feel like I’ve continued to push myself, and spent the year productively, whatever that ends up being! 

Hoping for a great 27th year, filled with exciting new experiences and positivity! Oh and of course, more traveling :)

M