So, as you may know, if you know me, or read this blog, around this time in 2012, I was officially diagnosed with Relapsing Remitting Multiple Sclerosis. I spoke about this most in my very first post. I’ve jokingly been calling this my MSaversary, (which personally I think should really catch on). The past 2 years have truly been a roller coaster ride – I think I actually understand what people mean when they say that now. There’s been a lot of ups and downs, a lot of emotions, and worrying about the future. Sometimes so much so I’d forget to focus on the present. Time both flew by and stood still at times. Some of hardest times of my life so far took place in these 2 years. There’s been a lot of change, a lot to get used to. Reflecting back, there are of course some things I would’ve done differently, but I think it’s important to learn from that, and to move forward, and really to just be glad we got through it!
Being diagnosed, was a scary and confusing time. Since then, well.. there’s still been a lot of scary and confusing times really, but I think maybe certain things feel less scary as time goes on. Like having to go to the hospital sucks, but doesn’t scare me nearly as much as it used to. I’m a bit of a pro now actually! The thing that’s been toughest is that it’s so unpredictable. Just when I think I’m starting to get used to it, something new pops up to confuse things! It makes it hard, but I’ve definitely come a long way in learning how to deal with that part of it. I try to just take it as it comes and not get worked up about the unknown. That’s not always so easy, but there’s not much else you can do, you just have to get through it, and be thankful for what you do have.
It’s been a long process, but I think I have finally come to accept that I have MS. Now this doesn’t mean that I’m happy about it, or that I claim to have it all figured out, but I no longer have that feeling deep down that maybe it was all a big mistake, or that things might just somehow go back to how it was before. I get that now. It’s a part of my life wether I like it or not, and I think I’ve come to understand that. When I was first diagnosed, I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to leave the house, really. I was scared someone might ask me about it, or judge me and see me as a lesser person now that I was “sick”. I don’t really feel that way anymore. At least not usually. Pretty often I get asked how I injured myself, because I’ve been using a cane to get around since my last relapse, and that’s what people assume. I don’t shy away from saying that I have MS anymore, because although that person probably has no idea what that means, maybe now they’ll look into it a bit, or ask me more about it. If I can eventually get more people to understand what MS is, then I feel like I will have done something right! This has started to become a bit of a passion of mine, and I hope to work more in the MS world to advocate for myself and others, and spread the word. I mean, why not? I think starting this blog was a positive step for me in that way, because no matter how many read it, I feel like I’m giving an honest account on what it’s like for me to have MS, and I think that’s a good thing! Why not talk about it? People should know that there is struggle, and it’s hard, and it sucks sometimes and life would of course be easier without it, but we’re all just trying to deal with the cards we’ve been dealt. I think thats really all we can expect anyone to do.
From the time I’ve spent researching, thinking about, and speaking to other people with MS during the past couple of years, I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to succeeding in life with it is determination. You have to decide what you want to achieve, and fight for it, because its probably not going to be easy. Things aren’t as cut and dry as they once were for me, though maybe it didn’t seem that way at the time, it really was all so simple! A lot more goes into each and every decision I make now, even little things I probably used to take for granted. Sometimes in past two years I think I’ve shied away a bit from making decisions because of that. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I don’t really know everything that’s worth fighting to achieve just yet, to be honest. But What I’m determined to do right now is figure that out! And to find the things in life that make me happiest.
So two years later, and maybe not too much wiser just yet, but trying damn hard to get there ;)