I saw a video recently, posted by a website about chronic illness, about not being able to work. The video really resonated with me, as someone who hasn’t been able to work since my MS diagnosis back in September 2012. I often feel guilty about this. Sometimes you just feel like you aren’t doing enough, even if you’re doing all that you can. The video I mentioned shared some thoughts from other people in a similar situation as me, and it really felt validating in a way. I know other people feel like I do about not being able to work, but just seeing some of the quotes specifically state it was kind of helpful for me. In the video it said things like, “I would love to hold down a regular job. I would like to get to the end and feel like I accomplished something rather than live day to day”. This is something I really relate to. Having a job and something you can accomplish every day is taken for granted by a lot of people. Now I know not everyone likes their job, or wants to work, but when you don’t have the option to it’s a different story. I’ve had people tell me that they’re jealous of me staying home, which makes me laugh. I would truly love to be able to have a job and work every day and complain about it to my friends just like everyone else, but its just not feasible for me. MS causes me to have chronic fatigue, and pain, and trouble walking or standing for very long. I’m always light headed, and dizzy, and have trouble concentrating. But hey, if you want to trade places, I’m willing!
“No one realizes that a job does more for you than just pay your bills. it’s part of what gives you self esteem.”
It’s hard to feel like you aren’t doing enough of what people expect of you. Even small comments that I should try getting a part time job as a this or that can feel really hurtful. Trust me, if I could I would. I do some volunteer work which helps me feel like I’m trying, and one of the things I do is spend two hours a week at the humane society, which can be incredibly difficult for me, but it makes me happy and helps a bit with that feeling of fulfillment that other people may get working. Sometimes I just need to be thankful that I made it through whatever task I had that day. Maybe it was just an appointment, or making dinner. Maybe it was taking transit somewhere, or doing a couple hours of volunteering. Or maybe it was a really bad day but I made myself go to the coffee shop down the street just to get out for a bit. It’s hard to adjust your thinking to accept that this is enough, but life is hard. It changes. And sometimes you need to cut yourself a little slack and accept that you really were your best self that day even if it was just a small task, and this is something I’m trying my best to remind myself of every day!